Alienation

Parental Alienation

In 1985, Dr. Richard A. Gardner coined the term Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS) to describe a disorder that arises occasionally in child custody cases. The primary manifestation of PAS is a child’s campaign of vilification of a parent without justification. Dr. Gardner’s definition of PAS is:

“A disorder that arises primarily in the context of child-custody disputes. Its primary manifestation is the child’s campaign of denigration against a parent, a campaign that has no justification. It results from the combination of a programming (brainwashing) parent’s indoctrinations and the child’s own contributions to the vilification of the target parent.”

Through words, actions and mannerisms, a child may be emotionally abused (brainwashed) into thinking the other parent is the enemy. The alienating parent may bad mouth the other parent in front of the children, withhold visits and cancel pre-arranged activities for the children.

Children who are victims of PAS often go through different stages as they experience the depth of the alienation. Recognizing these early symptoms may allow a parent to take measures to reduce the alienation. Knowing the risk factors, spotting them early and taking preventative measures may head off much of the damage the alienating parent seeks to cause.

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Risk Factors

During your parenting time you may start to suspect an effort at parental alienation. The following are some risk factors that can help you determine if the other parent in engaging in inappropriate efforts to impact your relationship with your kids.

Alcohol or drug abuse
Interference with a reasonable phone contact
Visits are being withheld
Parent with anger management problems
An inability to control anger in front of the children
A parent with a significant mental disorder
Overly intrusive or controlling grandparents
Overly intrusive or controlling stepparent
A threat to abduct the children
Kids themselves begin refusing to visit
Kids are frequently not returned on time (more than a half-hour)

Three Levels of PAS:

Stage 1 – Mild

With the mild PAS parent, they may on the surface encourage involvement with the other parent, but their behavior typically tries to give them a perceived advantage with the child as in “I’m better than him”.

The following is not an exhaustive list, but indications of the mild stage might include:

Little regard or recognition of the importance of contact with the other parent
Lack of understanding of the value of phone/email contact in between visits
Little awareness of the distress that a kid feels if phone/email contact is missed
The inability to tolerate the presence of the targeted parent, even at events that are important to the child

Detecting the mild stage however is trickier, as the alienating parent’s behavior is subtle and possibly unconscious. The alienating parent is likely to deny any malicious motive and/or acts. While statements made by the alienating parent may be sincere, their actions are clearing impacting the parent-child relationship.

At some level, the alienating parent may believe the child needs the other parent, but this rational belief may be overwhelmed by other motives such as retaliation for the divorce itself.

Stage 2 – Moderate

In a moderate alienation situation, the alienating parent clearly interferes with the visitation of the other parent but on the surface supports the other parent’s involvement.

For example, sometimes we find that a child’s calendar is completely filled by enriching activities, to the exclusion of the other parent’s time. This over-commitment, of course, prevents the child from being the other parent. It’s a catch-22 for that parent since, if he objects, he must not really care about the child because he wants to cancel the child’s activities, and if he doesn’t object, then it may seem like he doesn’t want to be involved in his kid’s life.

The following is a list of possible indicators of the moderate stages of alienation:

Refusal to communicate or co-operate directly with the targeted parent
The alienating parent gives the child total control over contact arrangements
Alienating parent shows disrespect of the other parent in front of the child
Making, then denying negative comments about the other parent
The kid separates worlds and identities while with each parent

Sometimes, an alienating parent claims to understand the general importance of the another parent in the child’s life, but believes that in her case, the other parent, due to character deficiencies, isn’t important to the child. Their behaviors can be subtle but very damaging to the welfare of the child.

Stage 3 – Severe

The severely alienated children are brainwashed and redirected away from the other parent. These children will frequently be vocal in telling anyone and everyone that do not want to be with, see or even talk to that parent.

The following is a list of possible indicators of the severe stages of alienation:

Relentless hatred for and towards the targeted parent
The child shares in the alienating parent’s cause
Many of the child’s beliefs are enmeshed with the alienator
The child’s beliefs about the other parent are delusional and frequently irrational
The children’s hatred extends to the other parent’s extended family
Frequently, their reasons are not based on personal experiences with the other parent but reflect what they are told by the alienating parent
Child does not want to visit or spend any time with the other parent
The child has no ability to see the good in the other parent
No capacity to feel guilty about how they behave towards the other parent
They can appear like normal healthy children until asked about the targeted parent that triggers their hatred

Children in this category may become panic-stricken over the prospect of visiting with the other parent. Their blood-curdling shrieks, panicked states, and rage outbursts may be so severe that visitation is impossible. If placed in the other parent’s home they may run away, become paralyzed with morbid fear, or may become so continuously provocative and so destructive that removal becomes necessary.